8.18.16 The Right to Bitterness

Aimee and I sat in the cafeteria at Children’s between appointments this last week. We both were eating lunch. She having a bolus of Liquid Hope while snoozing. Me eating the decent cafeteria fare available while reading a book on my kindle. It was a longer break than normal. 

We have a normal here. We are regular visitors with semi permanent passes that we only have to renew 4 times a year. We have our favorite parking spot. We have our favored route and enjoy chatting with the employees that we see when we are here. We know which clinics will be comfortable to change diapers in and which we have to visit the 7th floor bathroom that has a hi lo table to use beforehand. We are regulars. 

Yet, this visit, following the news of Aimee’s research results, I was repulsed by this place. The wounds have been aching freshly. It is all raw. All I can think and feel is the pain of the beginning. Like we’re starting the journey all over again. I hate it. I don’t want to be on this journey. I don’t want Aimee to be here. I don’t ever want to be at this hospital again. Sitting here with these people. All of us undeservedly here. All of our children undeservedly here. None of us belong here. 

There is pain. Sometimes anger. A lot of awkward moments. Questions from typical kids. Sideways glances from adults. So many people who don’t know how to talk to us anymore. So many moments when I don’t know how to talk to them either. Them. With their daughters and sons. Them with their lofty parenting ideals. Them with intact dreams. Them. 

Bitterness.

The pain in life is real. We all have pain in the living of it. The overwhelming stresses and the undeserved suffering. There is certainly no health in denying the hurt and struggle. But can we be honest without being bitter? Can I? 

Bitterness is a lonely place. We have a right to be bitter perhaps. Bitter for our losses, our betrayals, our health, our lot. BUT we are given a choice. Even while justified in anger and hurt, we get to choose between spite and graciousness. Between malice and tenderness. You and I, we get the constant choice to lay aside bitterness and seek after the gift of hope instead.

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”

Ephesians 3:16-19