3.2.22 Just Love

Today is one month since we were discharged.

I hesitate to share this post with you, but it seems unkind to hide our present concern. We are processing an event that happened this week and want to allow you who love Aimee to process it too.

Aimee gave us a big wake up call 2 nights ago and we are emotionally reeling. We were both concerned that Aimee was letting go. Her heart rate slowed way, way down and her skin, lips were completely white. She did stabilize after several sobering minutes. Her heart rate eventually doubled to a nice low sleeping rate. She started to respond and move. Her color returned. Since that night, she is doing well with no additional concerns. 

Aimee is on hospice and I was able to discuss the situation with her hospice nurse today during her weekly visit. We have discussed what would happen if Aimee’s heart stopped, but seeing a preview of that was a huge reality check. It wasn’t her time quite yet, but it was a signal that her system is tiring even more. It was a warning. We have given her all the support. From here, if she peacefully lets go and her heart stops, we will hold her hands, love on her, and let go too. 

That night was the first night I have tasted the bitter sorrow. Up until this point, it has all been fight and plans. That night, I felt the tremble of reality and imminent end. Ed and I both are holding on, riding a roller coaster of feelings, and continuing our gratitude for each day ahead. We hope that there are still many more. 

Yet, how can we be at peace, how can we savor, how can we have joy with our time together? I cannot explain it, but to say that we look to God for true peace. We cannot have joy in the midst of sorrow without Him. 

““I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

‭‭John‬ ‭15:9-13‬ 

We have given it all, poured out our deepest love for Aimee, except this final sacrifice of our very hearts. At some point, we will allow ourselves to break and experience this pain of loss for her peace, her restoration. 

“For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies. Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled: “Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?””

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭15:53-55‬ ‬

Having done all to love, we will continue to stand in love when Aimee moves from this imperfect world, from this imperfect body to her heavenly, immortal body. As she moves into the true promise land. Our hearts long to have her stay, but we also long for her to be restored in a way that only heaven can restore. We have hoped that the kingdom of heaven would be here. We have fought, we have prayed. Yet, here we are, standing at an interchange ahead sign, not knowing how many more months are ahead, but sensing that time draws near. 

It isn’t fair. It doesn’t seem just. I cannot understand why our girl was given this road for her lifetime on earth, but I can trust the one who loves her beyond earth. The one who created her body, her soul, her spirit with intention and purpose. 

Thank you Father for letting us walk with her. Thank you for the time we still have with her here. Thank you that even though my heart is afraid and my body weeps for the child it birthed into the world, my spirit knows a peace deeper than the depths, a peace greater than the unknown.