4.30.12

Several people have asked me recently if having Caleb has been more or less what I was prepared for and expecting. They wonder about his development. They ask about the future. I thought it might be time for some open heart posting, because you might be wondering this too. 

The physical side of taking care of two kids, of getting in and out of the house, of learning to care for a typical child, all these things I imagined would be big challenges. On the whole though, it has been much easier to do that I thought it would be. Caleb lets me know when he has needs and I actually, in general, know how to fulfill them. There is so much instinct involved in this parenting that was not available with Aimee. I have really come to see just how challenging raising Aimee has been. And I am finally seeing that I can be a successful parent and raise a healthy child.

On the other end of things, I was not prepared for the emotional challenges. This last couple months have been some of the most discouraging that I have yet experienced. I am so enjoying my son. He has an amazing personality and is very fun to take care of everyday. Yet, as I watch in awe, he figures out how to do things that I have been working to teach Aimee for over 2 1/2 years. He has looked me in the eye since day 1. He immediately knew how to grasp, reach, and eat. He has worked out for himself how to roll, loves to stand...all these things that have not only been impossible to teach Aimee, but that she hates to do. Not that I blame her. Almost every time we exercise and work on her development, she is faced with inability. I do my best to praise her for her hard work and for any positives. Yet, as I sit here and watch Caleb, he is joyfully discovering what his body is capable of doing. He is delighted as he plays with his feet or sticks his fingers in my mouth and nose :). Of course, he is also working as he finds new ways to move, but he is continually rewarded with progress. Aimee just ends up tired. And honestly, so do I. 

More often I am feeling that Aimee is trapped. She isn't disabled, but her body and mind are. Her spirit inside is whole and I quite often feel when she cries that she is frustrated at being stuck inside her limitations. That she wants to see, to communicate, to break out of the walls that surround her. My heart so wants to help her, to reach through the haze she is in and pull her through, to hear the thoughts on her heart. 

The future? From here, I am looking around the invisible bend of time and wondering, how will we do it? Oh yes, I wonder about her as a 16 year old, but I also wonder how will we do it next year...how will we do it tomorrow...? We know that in our journey we will continue to face challenge, to find delights, and to seek more grace from above and from you who surround us. And for tomorrow, we will be so thankful for another day to love each other, dear Aimee, and sweet Caleb.