3.26.13 The Fear of Motherhood

Aimee playing with Caleb before he was born.

Fear and motherhood invoke such separate pictures to the mind. Yet fear, sneaky and vile, creeps into many beautiful parts of life. In fact, I imagine many mothers, well for that matter many parents, at some point face fear in parenting.

Multiple doctors, multiple times have said that it wasn't our fault. Several have specifically said there was nothing we did or didn't do that caused Aimee to be disabled. Most are convinced that Aimee has a genetic condition, more than likely even a genetic mutation. Meaning that the beginning of her story had no influence on her current condition.

We knew we wanted other kids, but we also had an irrational fear that told us we did not have the instincts to be typical parents. I was terrified to have another child, feeling that I had failed Aimee.  I felt very judged by other mothers, especially at the beginning, when people seemed to assume we just weren't doing tummy time or giving her the opportunities to learn. I let go of many friendships as others did not understand or were not sensitive. All those other mothers had similar problems to face and would spend all their time chatting together about sleeping, hair pulling, tantrums, screaming, messes, when their kid first walked, talked, or rolled over, ect. Things that seemed trivial to me. All I wanted was for my Aimee to be able to look at me, respond to being held, and remain healthy. I longed for her to ask for food, cuddles, really anything.

Although from this place where I sit now I can see more clearly, at that time I truly believed it was at least a tiny bit my fault. That, at the very least, one should be able to figure out how to feed their own child. Knowing how limited my instincts were, we almost hoped our second child would be disabled. We knew some things now about caring for Aimee and knew we could manage that. However, when Caleb forced his way into the world, participated in birth, immediately demanded attention, and cried for someone to goodness sake feed him, we knew this was not the same.

Caleb was immediately different. He knew how to eat, he could suction, he was awake. His eyes were taking in the world around him immediately. A deep wound in my heart received salve as I began to realize Aimee was limited from moment one. I didn't fail her in my inability to nurse. We didn't fail at encouraging her to develop. Our natural parenting instincts were not absent. 

Having Caleb has been astounding. We saw how quickly babies can change and grow. We immediately felt a response and connection from him. We were able to clearly see how different Aimee was and how much we missed out on with her. It has been rewarding, painful, and refreshing. Our view of parenting will be forever altered by our experiences with Aimee. We will never place the high value on pushing to meet developmental milestones. We will find joy in seeing our children make a mess, express themselves, and make choices. Encouraging our children to keep up with other kids has vanished from our values. We are so thankful for each moment.

Speaking for myself, I can say that this past 15 months with Caleb has resolved much of my fear. My insecurities that had told me I could not be a regular mother have slowly vanished. Ever so slowly I find myself able to connect with other moms. The pain is still there, but we can now see it and understand that there is no fault in it. I will always desire for Aimee to be restored, but now I know she isn't this way because of me. I can finally wave goodbye to the fear of motherhood.