This time is oddly a combination of hollow and full. There is a thick fog around us of sorrow and a wrongness to each plan. Without Aimee here, every hour is different. The bones, the structure of our day is gone. The rhythm, the heartbeat of our family has stopped. She is no longer here. How can she be gone? There just aren’t words to describe the hole.
Yet our days are filled with one big distraction: all of the medical stuff. We have communications organizing the pick-up of all these different companies’ equipment and machines, as well as the finalization of hospital plans, disposal of medications, funeral home direction, and nursing companies supplies. Canceling appointments and figuring out how to donate unused supplies and owned equipment. Even getting the death certificate has not been as smooth of a process as expected. Aimee was surrounded by a complicated torrent of needs that we suddenly don’t need. Things we have hoarded as back-ups or fought the insurance companies to cover or relied upon to stay safe at home, suddenly become just unnecessary stuff. It is hard not to feel like Aimee is being erased with each item. Each moment without her, we are farther from her. Her last loads of laundry. The tubing she used. The stethoscope still hanging by the ambu bag where we put it when she died.
Her room is not often empty though. Her younger sister is frequently cuddled under Aimee’s blankets in her bed. Her brothers too or they sit next to it as we recall. We had gotten Aimee a digital photo frame for her birthday and we find ourselves sitting in her room just laughing and crying at the photos as they go by. Throughout the day we are calling for each other to come and see some picture or other.
How can we go forward? Even the amazing things, like being able to go outside whenever we want or drive somewhere together, they even feel like a loss. The loss of limitations are like an emphasis that we no longer have Aimee here to plan around. And what hurts is to know that we will get used to it.
In announcement style news, I have two for you:
Aimee’s memorial service will be held at Marysville Foursquare Church on April 25th at 3pm.
If you would like to donate to help us with Aimee’s end-of-life costs and memorial fund, there is a paypal link under the Support Us tab or there is a gofundme here: https://gofund.me/5f81252eb
Thank you for following along on Aimee’s journey with us this past 17 years. Every kindness has been a part of her story, every prayer and every gift and every heartfelt message. Thank you for being on Team Aimee Love.
